There are parts of us that we can bury away, and even though we work with medicine, we may not allow the medicine to reach these places, and then a time comes when these buried aspects of ourselves come to the forefront and demand our attention, screaming and clawing to be noticed, to receive our energy and to be brought into the light.
This has been my journey, and despite healing myself of almost twenty years of depression, there were still places inside me that I had tucked away, far, far away, into recesses that even I wasn’t prepared to go, and believed that I was ‘okay’. Until the universe decided it was time to bring these things to light, and my whole world seemed to fall apart.
Ironically before the plummet into the abyss, I had started to feel a certain disconnection from myself, a numbness that I could not explain. And nothing that I did, no work, no plant, could somehow bring me back to me. No amount of beauty, no miracle, no pain moved me anymore. It was as though I was stuck in the role of impartial observer without deriving any value from the observation. And ironically, after everything fell apart as it needed to, I found a new path to healing, in a new medicine, a medicine that requires total feeling. The medicine of Tantra.
I had received a message from Marijuana, that I was not to use the words ‘Divine Feminine’ as I had no concept of what the Divine Feminine really was. I was quite taken aback when this message came through initially over a year ago, and over the last year I had worked quite hard to understand and embrace my own feminity, but only now do I truly understand. As this path unfolds before me, I not only am beginning to understand why the Feminine is Divine, but why it is Sacred too, so very, very Sacred.
And so, after uncovering the gaping holes in myself that had been uncovered, I limped along to some tantra sessions and started to encounter something so very beautiful inside myself that is assisting me to heal, and I believe can assist so many to become whole too. And so I came to find a beautiful guide on this journey, Dakini Shima.
What is a Dakini? Well a Dakini, as Shima reveals, is a woman who has reached a level of attainment in Tantric practice where one expands beyond mind and dances in energy. Dakini means Skydancer or a woman who dances in emptiness. In mythology a Dakini is a female deity, a Tantric priestess, and a being with many hands.
Under the beautiful and profound guidance of Dakini Shima, I have embarked on this amazing journey. I was shown how to fall into an emotion, in this case, sadness. I allowed my heart to expand until it could not possibly contain anymore. As the sadness expanded in me and in my body, I realised that this emotion was taking me on a journey, that this emotion was in fact, medicine. And that emotions are to be embraced, not resisted. As tears fell down my face, I entered a sacred space by embracing the depths and breadths of sadness and I realised how rich and profound and important it is that we embrace the full magnitude of the human experience by embracing our emotions to the full range that we can experience them, that these are gifts. I have still so much to learn, but I know now not to fear intensity of feelings, but to ride them into the places that they will take me, as ultimately I believe they will bring me home, to me.
Shima then worked lightly on my body, using light pressure points and sounds to unblock energy as I was instructed to breathe. I cannot use words to describe what happened next, but I was no longer myself, I was something much bigger, but the identity of the self was not important. I entered a state of being that was so very beautiful, and I could sense spirals unfolding over my body, curling over my breasts like vines, flowers opening in energetic patterns that were unfolding over me. I could have remained in this space forever, each breath took me deeper, and each breath was essential to the being held therein. There was a total sense of completion, I sensed the universe and galaxies around me, yet this was not the oneness I experience with everything from plant medicine, rather this was a completeness, an expansion of the self without an ego state of attachment to anything, simply a state of being, existing in completeness and perfection.
And since this experience, I have slipped in and out of this state a few times, when meditating lightly, when drifting off to sleep, or when practicing the breath and body work. And I can feel it in me, I can feel this path unfolding, and I am developing an understanding that my body is a very integral part of my existence, a barometer for truth and a sacred aspect of my Self and my being.
Learning to make peace with and come into my body has been very much the theme for me this year, and what a beautiful journey is unfolding before me. So many of us are so disconnected not only from ourselves, but from our bodies, the vessels that are speaking to us constantly. Separated from an organic living breathing information system that is speaking to us constantly. To connect with our bodies is to connect deeply with ourselves. This is power, to be able to understand that everything we need is right here inside us, all the information that we require is available if only we start listening, information for our health, our wellbeing and information for us that will assist us to make sense of the world.
Tantra is not a collection of exotic sexual positions. It is a deep spiritual practice that allows us to observe the mind, heal the heart and live with profound power and wisdom coming from a deep place of feeling and experience. This is an unfolding that can allow us to find the completion and power within ourselves to live without fear and to live in flow, to face life without attachment and with grace. Tantra is medicine. I have so much yet to learn, but the little I have tasted thus far is so very beautiful.
Image by Duncan Dorian Gray 2016